BUT TONY SAID I COULD STAY HERE!

The End Is Nigh:

Cast Your Minds Back To 2010

But Tony Said I Could Live Here!!

Act 1

Twas a cold day in May, the sneaky one eyed Scotsman viewed the world through a rose tinted monocle. Around him, his faithful followers -daggers drawn in case an opportunity for back stabbing materialised- looked on with amused contempt. They awaited the call of the upstart ‘Clegg The Unmissable’ for he holds the keys to the Kingdom. The great unwashed had spoken and said to the one eyed fraud, ‘be gone, back to the crofters cottage from whence you came!’

‘Take heart great leader, are you not ‘Gordon the Invincible’, sent from the manse to teach us lesser mortals how to conduct our miserable lives?’ said Lord Meddlesome, horns aquiver with venom dripping from his forked tongue.

‘Here, here,’ said Ed of the Balls. 

‘Thank you kind Sir,’ said the Dark Lord.

‘No! Here, here, the phone is ringing.’

‘OOh, that Nicky Clegg can ring my bell anytime.’ lisped David - I hate Section 21 - Milliband.

‘Quiet! You faggot! ‘ Screamed his brother. 

‘Sarah, dear wife and mother of my children, come and look wifely whilst I deal with this impostor.’

‘Gladly, great husband and master, I’m only here to serve you.’

‘What news Nicky, have we a New Deal whereupon  you and yon clan of bead wearing hippies allow me to carry on as unelected Godlike leader whilst you accept the crumbs from my table?

 NO?! But I’m The Divine One, the man who defeated the English and made Scotland prosperous. Cameron will shaft you, you pillock!’

‘What news Gordy?’ Asked the generous hipped Sarah.

‘We’re doomed!’ Said the one eyed impostor.

‘Doomed.’ Chorus the faithful, sun glinting on badly concealed daggers.

‘Aye, doomed. No more freebies, no more, we no best, But we are still in charge.’

‘That we are!’ Confirms the Meddlesome One. ‘Until you resign, you are still  ‘Gordon The Invincible!’

Act 2

Call me Dave, resplendent in jeans and Harvey Nicks tee shirt fresh from the dry cleaners, spies Nick the Unmissable practicing the sincere look in his rear-view mirror 

‘Ah, Nick my boy, my lover, my new best friend, my bit of Public School arm candy, my mate, how are you?’

Mwah, mwah. ‘Davy, how spiffin to see you.’

‘Did my offer of free marijuana and a seat at the top table go down well with your Liberal horde?’

‘It will when I tell them Davy boy but what of me? What tasty morsel have you set aside for your new best friend?’

‘The bestest job in the land. You are to follow in the footsteps of the Great Jester. The Fat Buffoon of the North ‘

‘You mean..’

‘Yes, you are to be the new John - I’m sorry Pauline - Prescott!’

‘Oh,  Davy do you mean it, can I?’

‘Yes Nicky boy, just sign this piece of legis.. I mean this piece of paper and the jobs yours.’

Mwah, mwah, ‘thank you Davy.’

‘Think nought of it, I don’t’

The Unmissable runs back to his adoring horde to give them the news, practicing his stiff, one armed, wave on the great unwashed as he does so, most of whom are as bewildered as ‘Call me Dave’.

‘You’ve done what?’ Exclaims Vince of Green Cables.

‘I’ve signed us up for five years as unelected Cabinet Ministers.’ 

‘Aye, but at what price? You wet behind the ears ninny!’ Shouts Paddy Lord of the Ash Down, resplendent in crisp combat fatigues, shiny boots and nose. ‘Have you gone mad? We told you  to do a deal with yon Scots laddie.’

‘I’m mad! The one eyed Scot screamed abuse at me so I dumped him in favour of Davy. Now, hands up all who want a job and tickets for the new gravy train!’

Act 3

Meanwhile, back in the Cabinet Office the One Eyed Wonder has barricaded the doors and told the world that if no deal is made between ‘Call me Dave’ and ‘The Unmissable One’ then, he is still in charge and will remain so for ever.

‘The games afoot,’ says the equally sight challenged Blunkett. ‘Cons and Libs have joined together.’

‘I dinna believe it!’ Screams ‘The Great Gordon’.

‘Believe it, Gordy old pal.‘Says the ‘Great Truth Weaver Campbell’.

‘Sarah has just decorated and the kids are going to Private schools.’

‘Shouldn’t have shouted at ‘The Unmissable One’.’ Says Harridan Harperson.

‘You’ll have to phone yon Queenie woman and tell her to get take away cos she gonna have a busy night!’ 

‘When I want your advice Milliband I’ll ask for it!’ 

‘He’s right esteemed leader.’ Whimpers Lord Meddlesome. 

‘Who’s got the number for yon Queenie?’ 

‘I do, I do.’ Shouts Ed of The Balls.

The One Eyed Fleecing Scotsman makes the call.

‘Hello, Queenie, tis I Gordon.’

‘Who?’

‘Gordon’

‘Do I know you?’

‘It’s me Gordon, your Prime Minister.’

‘The One Eyed Scotsman? What do you want, me and Phil were just about to have a kebab.’

‘I want to resign.’

‘Why?’

‘Cos we lost yon Election.’

‘What election? Philip, did you know there was an election?’

‘Tell him to piss orf, the kebabs are getting cold!’ 

‘Can it wait until the morrow?’

‘No! I want to resign now and you’ve got to ask Call me Dave to be Prime Minister.’

‘Ooh, I like him. You’d better come round then. Oh and bring that generously hipped wife of yours’

‘Thank you, see you in an hour.’

‘Philip can you believe it? we’ve got rid of that awful Scotsman at last, I must tell Charlie.’

Back in the Cabinet Office The One Eyed One starts to write his letter of resignation.

Dear Queenie,

I am writing this slowly for two reasons.

1. I know you can’t read fast.
2. I want to stay in Office for as long as possible.

Your Servant

Gordon The Great.

Meanwhile, somewhere in London, Call me Dave and The Unmissable One are talking 

‘Do you promise to let me be more equal than you?’ asks Dave

‘Yes!’ says Cleggy.

‘Welcome to the coalition.’

THE END.