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Saturday 5 April 2014

HYPOCRITES ANONYMOUS CONTINUED

  

Welcome once again to Hypocrites Anonymous, a volunteer organisation dedicated to those in society whom truly believe that the feelings of gross insincerity that they hold is a gift. Of necessity we have an ‘open book’ policy and work on the basis of complete transparency. Our doors  always being open to those poor unfortunates in denial and dwelling in the realms of fantasy. 
Today I want to inform you of a case, an ongoing case, concerning a man who is deeply troubled. This man had Das Kapital surgically implanted into his brain cavity soon after birth. I tell you this, not to gain your sympathy nor, to offer it as an explanation as to the man’s condition. I refer, of course, to one Edward Samuel Miliband. A man so tied in a knot of hypocrisy that he became the metaphoric Cain to his brother’s Abel. He has presented us with a difficult case because, although it was alleged in some Tory circles that he was next in line for the post of ‘Village Idiot’ until plucked from obscurity at an early age by Tony Benn, the MP for Chesterfield, his mind works in ways unfamiliar to right thinking people.  

Strangely, he was referred to this facility by a Mr McCluskey. I say ‘strangely’ because Mr McCluskey is a man not unfamiliar with matters of hypocrisy but is typical of those who can identify the symptoms in others whilst ignoring their own misgivings. Non-the-less, disparagement aside, young Sammy Miliband is a highly intelligent person. This is due to the fact that for most of his waking life he has been in some form of education programme. He went to Oxford in 1989 and left three years later with an upper second class Bachelor of Arts degree. Three years later, on the advice of the ‘One-Eyed Man o’ The Manse’ Gordon Brown, who was then Shadow Chancellor, our boy enrolled in the LSE where he obtained a Masters in economics. However, my therapists tell me that in their opinion it was whilst working for Gordon that young Sammy’s troubles began. He became duplicitous; some might argue that this trait was already there, ask any member of the SNP who was around in the run-up to the first devolved Scottish Parliament election.

Ever ambitious he decided to stand for election but, having grafted and grovelled for years at the feet of such (supposed) luminaries as Tony Benn, Gordon Brown and Harriet Harman he was not prepared to stand in just any seat. The Labour Party scrabbled around until they could find him a rock-solid, safe Labour constituency in which to stand, hence he is now the sitting MP for Doncaster North. We believe that the full extent of his duplicitous nature came to the fore during the Labour Party leadership election in 2010. To give credence to our findings we cite the fact that he was endorsed by the Father-of-All Duplicity, former Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock. This man, gifted in gross troughery and buffoonery, stated that Ed had ‘the capacity to inspire people and, that he had strong values and the ability to lift people.’  (One of my therapist is still on sick leave because of this pronouncement).

Sadly our task here is going to be a long and sometime painful exercise. We have discovered that, apart from his duplicitous traits, his delusions of sincerity and the feigning of illusionary beliefs he also suffers from short term memory loss. It appears that he remembers very little post 1992 or, it could be that his duplicitous nature dictates that his memory is selective of matters said and done by him between 92 and 2013. Like his Scottish mentor, “Fiscal Brown’ he shows a complete lack of trust in the British people. It matters not to him that ordinary, decent working men and women used to look to the Labour Party for fairness and guidance. What matters to him and something that we must adjust in his psyche whilst he is here, is that he holds onto his job at all costs and looks good in the eyes of his paymasters in Brussels.  His ruthless selfishness and total disregard for his fellow man plus his penchant for saying one thing and doing another, holds him in good stead for this. 
Never fear, we will do our best to treat this simple man and try to undo all of the complicated socialist doctrine knots which fetter his small brain. Hypocrisy in the corridors of power must be eradicated and here at Hypocrites Anonymous we are trying to do our best to tackle this epidemic.